Parody Of MMF Spam

 

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We found this item floating around UseNet...

 

Dear Friends,

My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story
that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp.  Rubbing it on my
sweatpants, an amazing thing happened.  A genie appeared.  He told me he
had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER!  All I had to do
was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel
would fall out of my ass.

Well, I was skeptical at first.  I mean, come on, shitting nickels?  But I
decided to give it a try.  I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure
out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of
time and it hit me...  A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid
scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*,
rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text
posts are TOTALLY unwanted.  Well, I went back to that genie and said I
needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam.

Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE!
Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT!  And better than
that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY
WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY!


Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:

With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of
those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you...

that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS... RIGHT OFF THE BAT!


And those people can be used over and over again.  Let's say that just one
other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere,
getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!!  Even if they're the same people
who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250
DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!  !  !  !  PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET
OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT...   BUT THIS PLAN IS
FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER,
AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!

Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make
OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!  Of course, you'll have to clean the
feces off the coins, count, and roll them.  But that's nothing when you
consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!

Trust me folks, it works.  It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid
scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU!  They'll send
you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names,
BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING
OUT OF YOUR PANTS!

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Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!

Dear Norm,
I never thought it possible, but you were right.  Ever since I posted
your Shit.  Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at
me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass!  I even made
a game out of it.  I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I
just bend over and let those nickels go.  For every one that
makes it through the hoop, I get two points.  I've become the Michael Jordan
of nickel shitters.    And yesterday, I started shitting pennies.
THANK YOU!   THANK YOU!   THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
B.  A.   Schmuck
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Norm,
Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY
Jelly.  After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my
asshole was geting sooo sore.  But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as
Croesus to boot.  Thanks for touching my life and my ass.

 Yours Always,
 Cherry B.   Toodles
 Los Angeles, California

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Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!  Copy this
post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll shit nickels too!    Send
your success stories to norm@ministryofprivacy.com and your letter might
just be in the next version!
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